Cứ vài tuần là tôi gặp T. Có khi qua điện thoại, có khi T đến chơi. Mười lần như một, T đều thủ thỉ là rất nhớ Việt Nam. Trong mớ bòng bong nỗi nhớ, hình ảnh về những năm tháng học trò nghèo khó mà êm đềm, cực khổ mà yên vui nơi xóm nhỏ là được T nhắc đi nhắc lại thường nhất.

Thỉnh thoảng, T còn hớn hở kể lại những giấc chiêm bao không đầu không đuôi, mơ thấy về quê rong chơi cùng tụi bạn… Đôi lúc ngập ngừng, T tiếc hùi hụi, thiệt tình, lần nào cũng vậy, chưa dứt câu vọng cổ là chuông báo thức kêu rùm, chưa kịp sút trái phạt đền thì điện thoại reo inh ỏi… Mở mắt nhìn quanh, căn phòng lạnh ngắt, bốn bề lạ lẫm, chỉ nỗi ngậm ngùi, mênh mông xa vắng là cũ rích, buồn thiu!

Cũng đôi ba lần T thố lộ ước ao, mộng mị, phải chi Việt Nam ở gần đây thì T sẽ lái xe chở tôi đi qua đi lại mỗi cuối tuần cho đỡ nhớ nhung! Chao ôi! Nghe T tình thiệt mà tôi ấm cả lòng. Bởi ít ra tôi thấy mình không lạc lõng giữa nơi đất khách!

Dẫu lắm lúc buồn bã vô cùng khi biết có không ít bạn chừng bằng tuổi T, ly hương chưa được bao lâu mà đã vội hững hờ, miệt khinh nơi chôn nhau cắt rốn. Ừ, thì có thể hồi còn ở quê nhà, vì cuộc sống áo cơm lầm lũi mà các bạn không có được tuổi thơ? Bây giờ, lang bạt xứ người cũng vì cuộc mưu sinh nên quên bẵng thời tuổi nhỏ. Mà cũng có thể trên bước đường giong ruỗi, bạn bị thói đời nhuộm bạc trái tim, tình thế thái cuốn phăng đi hình bóng quê nhà?

Chứ như tôi biết trong số những người cam bụng lưu vong vì thời cuộc, đã có những người lặng lẽ sống, lặng lẽ nhìn sâu vào

thời thế để chiêm nghiệm, để hóa giải niềm đau cho hồn quê không phai nhạt. Cũng có những người tuy chưa có cơ hội làm vơi niềm oán hận nhưng đã âm thầm lắng nỗi ly tan. Nhưng cũng có những người suốt mấy mươi năm cứ săm soi vùng nứt nẻ làm cho vết thương lòng ngày thêm nhầy nhụa. Xót xa nhất là đã để cho con virus cố chấp, hận thù lây lan sang thế hệ cháu con.

Để rồi, vô hình trung những gương mặt non nớt, trẻ măng, mới rời khỏi đất mẹ một cái rột thôi mà đã đành đoạn bứt quê hương ra khỏi con người một cách nhẹ hều! Thiên hạ thấu tình chia sẻ nỗi đau không ngằn mé của lớp người đi trước, cảm thông cho sự trẻ người non dạ của hàng hậu sinh, nhưng quyết không đồng tình với kiểu bươi móc lung tung làm ngổn ngang trăm mối tơ vò nơi xứ lạ. Còn nếu như ai đó thản nhiên vong bản ngay khi đang sống trên quê hương của chính mình thì miễn bàn. Vì tất cả những đảo điên, động đậy, ngã nghiêng đó đều bắt nguồn từ lòng vọng ngoại mà ra!

May mắn thay tôi có biết ít nhiều, trong từng hơi thở, cũng như bao tấm lòng xa xứ hướng về cội nguồn dân tộc, T vẫn còn vẹn nguyên vùng kỷ niệm ngọt ngào của cái tuổi thơ nghèo nơi quê nghèo, như để giữ gìn thương yêu và thơm thảo với đồng bào; để ôm ấp, nâng niu giấc mơ cho ngày trở về góp đôi tay bé nhỏ cùng xứ sở. Dù ngày trở về của T, của biết bao cánh chim phiêu bạt tha phương này có gần xịt bên hay xa lắc xa lơ cũng chẳng hề gì. Chỉ cần mỗi tấc dạ yêu thương, thiết tha hướng về quê cha đất tổ thôi cũng đủ làm tươi mát chính lòng mình và ấm lòng người

ở lại.

Và trong nỗi trông mong ngày trở về miền đất phương Nam quê hương nước Việt ấy đã đẩy đưa cho tôi gặp nhiều người như T. Cơ duyên là vậy! Có khác gì đâu. Dường như tất cả đều phảng phất nét ủ ê, ngao ngán với những câu chào hỏi dồn dập, ào ào mà lạt nhách tình người. Lòng cũng chợt đắng khi bất ngờ nhìn ngó những kẻ thân thuộc lâu lắm mới gặp lại nhau mà nói cười lạt lẽo, hỏi han õm ờ. Rồi tội nghiệp, nhủ thầm, chẳng biết trong những lúc đêm về gác tay lên trán, có ai nghe buồn chua chát hay nhói ran lòng không nữa?

Thôi thì mỗi người một hoàn cảnh. Như cái chuyện da diết nhớ, da diết thương những chiều chơi giỡn trên bãi vắng, nghe sóng biển rì rào mà chẳng cần biết biển muốn nhắn gởi điều gì của tụi mình cũng là lẽ thường tình, có chi lớn lao mà rộn rã? Chỉ mong sao trong mọi ngõ ngách đường đời chúng ta không lạc lòng bỏ quên tuổi tên gốc rễ mà có tội với tổ tiên nòi giống!

Mà thật ra, đâu phải thiên hạ không biết, niềm đau tan tác nhất giữa dòng đời lộn lạo là chẳng có lấy một nơi để nhớ, để thở than, để tự hào, để nương tựa. Nhưng có lẽ cuộc sống quá bộn bề nên người ta mặc kệ tâm hồn đang trống rỗng tình quê!

Còn tôi, nói thiệt, chẳng dám múa may gì. Nếu như không có những buổi “trà dư” bất chợt, ngồi nhâm nhi chai nước lọc tinh khiết tình cờ để bộc bạch hàn huyên thì dẫu tấc lòng có ướt át hay mềm nhũn tới đâu, tôi cũng không đủ gan đem nỗi nhớ hắt hiu phơi bày cho thêm hệ lụy người lữ thứ! Bởi tôi luôn cố hiểu rằng dẫu con tim có “sắt đá” thế nào đi nữa thì trên bước lãng du,

dặm dài viễn xứ, kẻ tha phương nào cũng mang tâm trạng lạc lõng phía trời xa. Cho nên, dù ít dù nhiều, dù sớm dù muộn, kiếp phong trần cũng canh cánh bên lòng niềm hoài vọng cố hương!



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