Mưa nhẹ trong đêm. Lắng tai thật kỹ mới nghe được tiếng rơi tí tách bên ngoài qua khung cửa kiếng đóng kín. Hàng cây cao rũ lá ướt trên các nhánh khô gầy đầu thu. Đèn đường lặng soi trên những vũng đọng. Côn trùng im tiếng. Không có tiếng đập cánh của chim đêm. Không có tiếng chân người dẫm xào xạc trên lá. Cũng không có tiếng động cơ nào của xe cộ trên đường. Hơi thở nhẹ như tơ trời. Nhẹ như hư không.

Không bữa tiệc hay buổi họp mặt nào có thể đem đến niềm vui lâu dài. Mọi người sẽ đến, và mọi người sẽ đi. Nếu vui được gặp thì sẽ buồn vì chia xa.

Mỗi người hí hửng đi vào bữa tiệc đời với những trang bị tự thân; chỉ mong kéo dài niềm vui cho mình, cho người. Nhưng không lâu sau đó, tiệc tan—hợp nào lại chẳng tan! Có khi tiệc chưa tàn mà người đã bỏ cuộc chơi.

Tiệc đời và hội chợ có nhiều hấp lực, lôi cuốn người ta tìm đến. Những trò vui của đám đông luôn sôi động, nhộn nhịp, có khi rất bát nháo, ồn ào. Nhưng con người, như nhiều loại sinh vật khác, vẫn thường có khuynh hướng hăm hở chạy theo tiếng gọi của bầy đàn, của số đông. Nơi đó, họ hy vọng tìm thấy sự an ổn, và tìm thấy chính bản ngã của mình được phản ảnh qua gương soi của nhiều bản ngã khác. Thực ra, những bản ngã khư khư với những đặc tính cố hữu của mình, sẽ không bao giờ soi chiếu nhau, mà là những từ trường đối nghịch, chỉ tạo xung lực phản ứng nhau, đẩy lùi nhau. Càng tiến đến gần, càng xa nhau mạnh hơn.

Bày ra những tiệc vui và hội hè chẳng qua cũng chỉ để an ủi, nương tựa, hoặc mượn vai nhau mà vươn lên giữa đời thường buồn bã, trống vắng. Hả hê với

những lời chúc tụng của kẻ khác. Hãnh diện khi được nêu tên giữa đám đông với những tràng pháo tay rôm rả. Hài lòng với lời khen áo mão đẹp, xe đắt tiền, điện thoại thông minh (hơn cả chủ nhân). Sung sướng được khen giọng ca hay, điều khiển lễ lạc linh động, chọc cho đám đông cười/khóc thật tài với những kịch bản soạn sẵn… Đám cưới, đám ma, tiệc chay, tiệc mặn, đại hội, hội chợ, liên hoan… hầu như cũng chỉ là những cơ hội để người ta truy tìm bản ngã của mình, cũng chính là truy tìm niềm vui chân thực chưa từng được hưởng trong đời sống.

Niềm vui ấy, thực ra, không thể là cái có thể truy tìm. Cái tìm được thì không phải là cái của mình, mà là cái gì ở bên ngoài; cũng không phải là cái mà một ai ban cho, vì của ai ban cho thì vẫn là cái gì bên ngoài, có thể có được thì có thể mất được.

Niềm vui ấy không thể được tìm thấy từ tiếng nói và nụ cười râm rang rổn rảng của đám đông, từ lễ hội với âm thanh náo nhiệt ồn ào phát ra từ những cái loa thật to vây quanh người tham dự.

Cho đến những câu nói và nụ cười nhẹ nhàng trao nhau trong nghi thức trịnh trọng, lề mề… cũng không thể mang lại niềm vui ấy. Không từ đâu, cũng không từ ai mà có được.

Niềm vui ấy sâu lắng tự bên trong. Hương vị của nó là thứ hương vị không có tên gọi hay ngôn ngữ nào của trần gian có thể diễn đạt. Tịch mịch. Cô liêu. Không thể cùng ai chia sẻ.

Chỉ có thể lẳng lặng cảm nhận, bằng sự trở về của những bước chân cẩn trọng, nhẹ nhàng trên phiến băng tâm, không lưu vết tích; bằng đường bay cô tịch của cánh chim qua chân trời hoàng hôn bảng lảng

ráng hồng. Chính ở nơi cùng tuyệt hiu hắt, không một bóng người, không một âm thanh, không một ý niệm, không một cảm giác hay ý chí truy cầu khởi lên, niềm vui ấy mới ngập tràn, mênh mông, trùm khắp.

Trời phương đông lấp lánh ánh ban mai. Sương sớm, hay những giọt mưa đêm qua, còn long lanh trên lá cỏ. Buổi sáng yên bình trong khu xóm nhỏ. Nắng xiên qua những hàng cây, lọt vào khung kiếng cửa sổ. Thủng thỉnh pha một tách cà-phê nóng. Nơi bàn viết có màn ảnh mở ra thế giới vô tận, hân hoan chào đón nhân gian đầu ngày.





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