When Standish McNeill started talking to his friend Felix ODowd as they walked at a leisurely pace towards the town of Castle-gregory on a June morning, what he said was: The world is a wonderful place when you come to think about it, an Ireland is a wonderful place an so is America, an though there are lots of places like each other theres no place like Ballysantamalo. When theres not sunshine there, theres moonshine, an the handsomest women in the world live there, an nowhere else except in Ireland or the churchyards could you find such decent people.
Decency, said Felix, when youre poor is extravagance, and bad example when youre rich.
And why? said Standish.
Well, said Felix, because the poor imitate the rich an the rich give to the poor an when the poor give to each other they have nothing of their own.
Thats communism youre talking, said Standish, an that always comes from education an enlightenment. Sure if the poor werent dacent theyd be rich an if the rich were dacent theyd be poor an if every one had a conscience theyd be less millionaires.
Tis a poor bird that cant pick for himself.
But suppose a bird had a broken wing an couldnt fly to where the pickings were? said Felix.
Well, then bring the pickings to him. That would be charity.
But charity is decency and wisdom is holding your tongue when you dont know what youre talking about.
If the people of Ballysantamalo are so decent, how is it that there are so many bachelors there? Do you think it right to have all the young women worrying their heads off reading trashy novels an doin all sorts of silly things like fixin their hair in a way that was never intended by nature an doin so for years an years an havin nothin in the end but the trouble of it all.
Well, tis hard blamin the young men, because every young lady you meet looks better to you than the last until you meet the next, an so you go on to another until youre so old that on one would marry you at all unless you had lots of money, a bad liver, an a shaky heart.
An old man without any sense, lots of money, a bad liver, an a shaky heart can always get a young lady to marry him, said Felix, though rheumatics, gout, an a wooden leg are just as good in such a case.
Every bit, said Standish, but theres nothin like a weak constitution, a cold climate, an a tendency to pneumonia.
Old men are quare, said Felix.
They are, said Standish, an if they were all only half as wise as they think they are then theyd be only young fools in the world. I dont wonder a bit at the suffragettes. An a time will come when we wont know men from women unless some one tells us so.
Wisha, tis my belief that there will be a great reaction some day, because women will never be able to stand the strain of doin what they please without encountering opposition. When a man falls in love he falls into trouble likewise, an when a women isnt in trouble you may be sure that theres something wrong with her.
Well, said Standish, I think we will leave the women where the devil left St. Peter
Where was that? asked Felix.
Alone, answered Standish.
That would be all very fine if they stayed there, said Felix.
Now, said Standish, as I was talking of me travels in foreign parts, I want to tell you about the morning I walked along the beach at Ballysantamalo, an a warm morning it was too. So I ses to meself, Standish McNeill, ses I, what kind of a fool of a man are you? Why dont you take a swim for yourself? So I did take a swim, and I swam to the rocks where the seals goes to get their photographs taken; an while I was havin a rest for meself I noticed a grasshopper sittin a short distance away, an, pon me word, but he was the most sorrowful lookin grasshopper I ever saw before or since. Then all of a sudden a monster whale comes up from the sea and lies down beside him an ses: Well, ses he, is that you? Whod ever think of finding you here. Why, theres nothing strange under the sun but the ways of woman.
This me thats here, then, said the grasshopper. Me grandmother died last night an she wasnt insured either.
The practice of negligence is the curse of mankind and the root of sorrow, ses the whale. I suppose the poor old soul had her fill of days, an sure we all must die, an tis cheaper to be dead than alive at any time. A man never knows that hes dead when he is dead an he never knows hes alive until hes married.
Youre a great one to expatiate on things you know nothing about, like the barbers and the cobblers, said the grasshopper. I only want to know if youre coming to the funeral to-morrow?
Im sorry I cant, ses the whale. Me grandfather is getting married, for the tenth time, an as I was in China on the last few occasions I must pay me respects by being present at to-morrows festivities, ses he.
Im sorry you cant come, ses the grasshopper, because you are heartily welcome an youd add prestige to the ceremony besides.
I know that, ses the whale, but America doesnt care much about ceremony.
Who told you that? ses the grasshopper.
Havent I me eyesight, an dont I read the newspapers, ses the whale.
You mustnt read the society columns, then, ses the grasshopper.
Wisha, for the love of St. Crispin, ses the whale, have they society columns in the American newspapers?
Indeed they have, ses the grasshopper, and they oftentimes devote a few columns to other matters when the dressmakers dont be busy.
America is a strange country surely, a wonderful country, not to say a word about the length and breadth of it. I swam around it twice last week without stoppin, to try an reduce me weight, an would you believe me that I was tired after the journey, but the change of air only added to me proportions.
Thats too bad, said the grasshopper.
Are you an American? said the whale.
Of course I am, ses the grasshopper. You dont think tis the way Id be born at sea an no nationality at all like yourself. Im proud of me country.
And why, might I ask?
Well, dont we produce distinguished Irishmen? Dont we make Americans of the Europeans and Europeans of the Americans? Think of all the connoisseurs who wouldnt buy a work of art in their own country when they could go to Europe and pay ten times its value for the pot-boilers that does be turned out in the studios of Paris and London.
Theres nothin like home industry, ses the whale, in a foreign country, I mean.
After all, who knows anything about a work of art but the artist? and very little he knows about it, either. A work of art is like a flower, it grows, it happens. Thats all. An unless you charge the devils own price for it, people will think you are cheating them.
Wisha, I suppose the best any one can do is to take all you can get, an if you want to be a philanthropist, give away what you dont want, ses the grasshopper.
All worth missing I catches, ses the whale, an all worth catchin I misses, like the fisherwoman who missed the fish and caught a crab. Hows things in Europe? I didnt see the papers this morning.
Europe is in a bad way, ses the grasshopper. She was preaching civilisation for centuries so that she might be prepared when war came to annihilate herself.
It looks that way to me, ses the whale. Is there anything else worth while going on in the world?
Theres the Irish question, ses the grasshopper.
Wheres that, Ireland is? ses the whale. Isnt that an island to the west of England?
No, ses the grasshopper, but England is an island to the east of Ireland.
Wisha, ses the whale, it gives me indigestion to hear people talking about Ireland. Sure, I nearly swallowed it up be mistake while I was on a holiday in the Atlantic last year, an Im sorry now that I didnt.
An Im sorry that you didnt try, ses the grasshopper. Then youd know something about indigestion. The less you have to say about Ireland the less youll have to be sorry for. Remember that me father came from Cork.
Cant I say what I like? ses the whale.
You can think what you like, ses the grasshopper, but say what other people like if you want to be a good politician.
Theres nothin so much abused as politics, ses the whale.
Except politicians, ses the grasshopper. Only for the Irish theyd be no one bothering about poetry and the drama to-day. Only for fools theyd be no wise people an only for sprats, hake, and mackerel there ud be no whales, and a good job that would be, too.
Whats that youre saying? ses the whale very sharply.
Dont have me to lose me temper with you, ses the grasshopper.
Wisha, bad luck to your impudence an bad manners, you insignificant little spalpeen. How dare you insult your superiors? ses the whale.
Whos me superior? ses the grasshopper. You, is it?
Yes, me then, ses the whale.
Another word from you, ses the whale, an Ill put you where Napoleon put the oysters.
Well, ses the grasshopper, theres no doubt but vanity, ignorance, and ambition are three wonderful things, an you have them all.
Neither you, nor Napoleon, nor the Kaiser himself an his hundred million men could do hurt or harm to me. You could have every soldier in the German Army, the French Army, an the Salvation Army lookin for me an Id put the comether on them all.
I cant stand this any longer, ses the whale, an then and there he hits the rock a whack of his tail an when I went to look for the grasshopper, there he was sitting on the whales nose as happy an contented as if nothing happened. An when he jumped back to the rock again he says: A little exercise when tis tempered with discretion never does any harm, but violent exertion is a very foolish thing if you value your health. But it is only people who have no sinse but think they have it all who make such errors.
If I could get a hold of you, ses the whale, Id knock some of the pride out of you.
That would be an ungentlemanly way of displaying your displeasure, ses the grasshopper.
Id scorn, ses he, to use violent means with you, or do you physical injury of any kind. All you want is self-control and a little education. You should know that quantity without quality isnt as good as quality without quantity.
Sure tis Im the fool to be wasting me time listening to the likes of you, ses the whale. If any of me family saw me now, Id never hear the end of it.
Indeed, ses the grasshopper, no one belonging to me would ever recognise me ever again if they thought I was trying to make a whale behave himself. There would be some excuse for one of my attainments feeling proud. But as for you!
An what in the name of nonsense can you do except give old guff out of you?
I havent time to tell you all, ses the grasshopper. But to commence with, I can travel all over the world an have the use of trains, steamers, sailing ships and automobiles and will never be asked to pay a cent, an I can live on dry land all me life if I choose, while you cant live under water, or over water, on land or on sea, and while all the kings horses and the all kings men couldnt catch me if they were trying till the crack of doom, you could be caught be a few poor, harmless sailors, who wouldnt know a crow from a cormorant, and whod sell your carcass to make oil for foolish wives to burn an write letters to other peoples husbands an fill the world with trouble.
An what about all the whalebone we supplies for ladies corsets an paper knives, and what about all the stories we make for the novelists an the moving pictures an
Were at the Sprig of Holly now, said Felix. Is it a pint of porter or a bottle youll have?
Ill have a pint, I think, said Standish.